My son Garrett is home sick today from kindergarten. He asked me if he could still eat breakfast even though he is sick. He is five and at that stage where no question is too ridiculous to ask. When you answer his questions, be prepared for more questions to follow.
After I told him to choose something for breakfast without anything dairy in it because he has a horrible cough, he gleefully chose organic pop-tart things. (Yes – they do exist.) As he brought me the packet which held two “pop-tarts”, I let him know that he could have one – not both. He looked at me as if the world was coming to an end, then marched himself over to the bottom step and sat down. When I asked him what he was doing, he let me know that he was putting himself in time-out because he had a bad attitude. This – is my Garrett.
As I turned around to finish making lunch for my daughter Devony, she said, “Mom, he is soo weird. He puts himself in time-out. Oh, my gosh.” Welcome to my world.
When Garrett was done with his self inflicted time-out, he joined his sister at the table to eat his one “pop-tart”. Out of the blue he asks, “Mommy, did I come out of your tummy?” I draw in a deep breath as I already can feel his next questions. I answer, “Yes, my love, you did.” He asks what he already knows. “Did Ari (my oldest daughter) come out of your tummy?” I again answer, “Yes”.
At five, he knows about but doesn’t yet grasp the concept of adoption. He proceeds to ask, “Well where did Devony come from?” I cringe inwardly because I don’t ever want her to feel different and I am trying to figure out a way to speak in five year old language that will, at the same time, somehow validate my 11 year old. I tell him (and her) that we were specially chosen by somebody very special to be Devony’s family. God chose me to be Ari’s mom and your mom and I was selected by God and that someone special who carried Devony in her tummy to be Devony’s mom, too. “Isn’t it a blessing how God knows how to put families together?” I ask them both.
I watch for some reaction from somebody. Devony looks a bit bored – like, this is so old news. Garrett keeps eating and then asks, “So how bad did it hurt when you had to push, push, push me out of your tummy?”
I guess my simple answer was good enough for both of them. 🙂
Adoptive Parent Tip: When answering questions regarding your child’s adoption:
1. Keep it simple. They don’t need all the details. If they want to know more, they will ask – believe me, they will.
2. Speak at their level. Use language your child(ren) can relate to.
3. Check in with them to make sure they are ok with the information given to them. Sometimes new information might draw out emotions that need an extra hug or explanations.
4. Don’t make more out of it then it is. Chances are, your child is 100% fine with being adopted. Their normal is being your child. It’s good to make them feel special, it’s better for them to feel as if they are just like everybody else in your family.